Drowning
by flora1309
Summary: Just a small story after watching Grey s Anatomy 3x16. Not a cross over! GA doesn t make an appearance. Why do I keep swimming? After everything, I m broken. I can t swim any more.


**I don´t own the Thunderbirds,  
this is for a part based on grey´s anatomy 3x16.**

**Enjoy and Review.**

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****Since that man invaded our island and almost killed my family, I 'm broken. Nobody can tell though. In the outside world I smile...I guess more for their sake than mine. Seeing me smile makes them happy. It's always been this way, and it's almost always just been a façade. I have nothing to be upset about, they say, I have what so many could only wish for. A loving family, good grades, captain of the track team... nothing can go wrong in porcelain land. Nobody ever inquires further.

I feel like I'm purposely trying to destroy the rest of my life. I keep telling myself that everything's going to be ok, but I don't think I believe myself anymore. I don´t think School is the problem, really. Even though I´m more at school than anywhere else. It's just that I don't seem to care about anything anymore, even the things I used be certain about. I always wanted to be like my dad. But now I´m not that sure that´s what I want to be. The only thing I do know is I don´t want to go on like this. I know that I need to tell somebody, tell him everything, but I'm too afraid of compromising my or my family's dignity. I need to get a chance to let myself tell someone in my family how I really feel, without worrying about them judging me or seeing me cry. But I don´t think that chance will ever come. So I keep quiet.

I don't walk around with my life's script on my sleeve. If I did, maybe they'd see. If I had physical scars, maybe they'd understand. Physical scars would disqualify me from porcelain though. Can't have that. That's not what they want. And I would always try to be what they want me to be. But in reality I don't want to be smart, I don't want to be intelligent, I don't want to be appealing, I don't even want to be happy anymore. I just want to be me. To be accepted as what I am. I never want to miss me. They don´t miss me because I´m never home. I´m not a part of this family. I´ll never be.

What I really want? I want it to be over. I don't want to live in this fake world anymore. Fake is what the world is. That can't be changed. Pain is real. That's all that's real. It's intangible though. So to others, it's not real. But it is because I feel it. Everyday it's there. It´s the only thing I know.

It´s to much to cope. The Hood, the bullying at school, the teasing at home, and now the death of the child I failed to save. Drowned even before I reached her. If I noticed a few minutes earlier, I could have saved her.

As I´m trying to swim. The past has finally caught up with me. The many lifetimes I've had in my short 16 years have taken their toll, and now it's all truly sinking in. Up to my ears in quick sand. Drowning in my own tears, so small in the ocean. Not even reaching for a life boat this time, not even trying to call for help.

I stop swimming and just let the water surround me. Dark and cold.

But as always the life boat appears and pulls me on board against my will. An arm around my waist pulls me out of the ice cold water. Tapping my face to wake me up.

One of my brothers wrapped a warm blanket around my shoulders when we´re safely on Thunderbird 2. I listen quiet while he rants off. Only a few words reach my ears. "Irresponsible", "idiot", "are you trying to get yourself killed?" All I can do is sit and try to fight the tears treating to fall.

A finger under my chin forced me to look in his eyes. Noticing the wetness in my eye corners, he looks me over for injuries. Finding none he pulled me in for a hug. I don´t fight him but I also didn´t return the gesture. Why did he have to save me. Why couldn´t he just be a few minutes later, it would all be over then.

For a moment, he let me go so he can brush my tears away with his thumb and looks me in the eyes. Closing mine so I don´t have to look at him, he sighs and I´m pulled back in the embrace.

"I thought I lost you bro." He softly whispered in my ear. "I don´t know how I can survive if something happens to any of you guys, don´t scare me like that ever again. Promise me you´ll always keep fighting, we won´t give up on you, so don´t give up on us. Promise me,"

I feel the wetness of his tears on my already wet shirt. I know now I have to keep smiling. Not for me, but for them, because that I don´t want to live in this porcelain World, shouldn´t mean I should hurt my brothers by leaving them.

I´m going to fight death by saving the lives of others. People who want to fight, I´m going to help them. But right now I´m just going to sit here and tell my brother I love him.

"I need you to promise me. I need to hear the words." He says, wrapping his arms even tighter around me.

Sometimes that´s all you can do. Tell the people you love the truth, "I promise you I won´t leave you if it´s up to me."

"Thanks."

"I love you."

He softly kisses the top of my head before releasing me and helps me lie down in the medbay. Tucking me in like he used to do years ago, he smiles as he sits down at my bed side. "Go to sleep bro. I´ll be here when you wake up."

With a happy sigh, I close my eyes and drift of to sleep. For a moment I thought I heard a "I love you to." But I was already to far gone to tell.

I may not be healed. But that doesn´t matter. I´m loved. And that´s what I need right now.

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**Never give up. You´re loved even if you don´t feel that way. Someone is waiting for you, to hug you, hold you close, don´t give up on them.**


End file.
